My worst fears came true!

The reason for not posting for so long was because I was pregnant! We were so excited and the boy's wanted a little sister, and things were great, for awhile. I noticed some spotting all week and on Sunday it got a lot worse, I felt for sure I had miscarried, and had a bit of a break down, but I was starting a new calling at church and felt as though I had to be there for my class.

I was scheduled for an Ultra-Sound on Wednesday and even though things were getting worse I knew there was nothing they could do, so I waited, trying to figure everything out in my mind. What to do, what to expect, sorting out all these feelings, and at the same time trying not to feel too much, because that only brought tears and sorrow. Wednesday approached, we dropped our kids off at our friends, and headed to the appointment. I was so nervous, because I was still holding on to some hope that maybe this peaceful feeling I was getting was that our baby would be OK.

We got into the room, and I told the tech about the bleeding, she tells me that lots of people bleed, and that it doesn't mean a miscarriage. Hope filed my heart. The whole time she was talking to us about things, never telling us anything. So I get dressed and wait for the Dr. to come and talk to us. She came into the room, sat down, and say's, "We'll I don't have any good news, I'm so sorry!" that's were I bursted into tears, I thought I had prepared myself for this news, but all the plans, names, and how this new little baby and how his/her personality would fit into our lives, flashed through my head and how it would no longer be.

My heart aches for this baby that we will never hold in our arms. She gave me the Ultra-Sound picture, which is almost unbearable to look at. But at the same time, I do have an amazing support system, My little family is just incredible. Anthony took work off the past 2 days, because I've been in so much pain. He's taken them swimming, to the grocery store, had the boy's help him take the Christmas lights off, He has truly been my rock though this whole ordeal, and we are both working through this with faith and love. Of course our boy's are just the sweetest things in the world and never cease to amaze us and to make us constantly laugh, which just makes me want to hold onto them even tighter.

I LOVE my family!!! and I am so grateful for them. This is really hard, and I feel for anyone who has to go through this. But at the same time, the Gospel is so amazing and the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father is such a comfort, I know that he hears and answers our prayers, and that he has a greater plan. And for now I will hold onto my children a little tighter, and kiss them a little longer, even though they hate it. The ach is still strong but I know with time and faith, all things are possible.